Relator® is often described as the strength of deep relationships. People high in Relator value trust, authenticity and meaningful connection. At its best, Relator creates loyalty, belonging and psychological safety. At its worst, it can unintentionally create exclusion, blind spots and resistance to new perspectives.
I don’t need hundreds of connections. I just need my people.
People with a strong Relator talent are often trusted, loyal and deeply invested in meaningful relationships. They are often (depending on surrounding strengths) less interested in networking, preferring depth over breadth of connections. They are the colleagues who remember what matters to you, who stand by you during difficult times, and who invest heavily in building trust.
At its best, Relator creates the psychological safety that allows individuals and teams to thrive.
At its worst, however, Relator can become a barrier to inclusion, innovation and opportunity.
And yes, you can have Relator paired closely with Woo and or individualization. Less common perhaps, these are those who connect and network, but quietly and not for too long!
The gift of Relator
The essence of someone with strong Relator is someone who values close relationships built on loyalty and commitment. These are your colleagues who inculcate a strong team culture and invest effort in building long-term partnerships preferring authenticity overall superficial interactions. These people bring humanity into an increasingly transactional world.
As with the rest of this series, I explore how every strength, when over used becomes a weakness.
The darkside of Relator
The drive from the Relator theme, is to invests energy in building a small number of trusted relationships. The danger is the unintentional creation of an inner and outer circle. AS your connections prove their worth, it’s likely that you seek advice from fewer and fewer people and repeatedly involve the same people in projects or opportunities. The end result is you can overlook talent and appear to be cliquey.
And if your organization is striving for greater inclusion you may unknowingly make is harder for newcomers to gain access.
The Challenges for high Relator
1. Inner Circle Bias
It makes perfect psychological sense to a Relator to seek information and advice from the same people, yet this may result in you being less innovative and more inflexible. So, check in with yourself, are you frequently:
- Seeking advice from the same people repeatedly
- Working with familiar colleagues whenever possible
- Missing opportunities to build new connections
Strategies to shift to the Jedi side:
- Intentionally build one new relationship each month
- Seek input from someone you do not normally consult
Coaching question to ask yourself:
- Whose perspective am I missing?
- Am I choosing trust or simply familiarity?
Remind yourself: Strong relationships are powerful. Exclusive relationships can be limiting.
A strategy I helped manager use successfully was to build a list of the inner and outer circle and to be intentional about inviting the outer circle in. Also to go for lunch once a week with the outer circle to learn more abut them and their work.
2. Networking is a Necessary Evil
You may see networking as superficial, transactional or inauthentic. The risk is that you will likely miss opportunities, insights, and or relationships that could accelerate your growth.
How it shows up
If you find yourself avoiding networking events and only connecting with someone once a relationship already exists, ultimately you will find you have a smaller, slower-growing network than is necessary to achieve your goals.
You will also, likely, miss opportunities because “I don’t know anyone there”. The longer this persists for, the harder it is to grow.
Strategies to network
- Reframe networking as relationship building
- Focus on curiosity rather than self-promotion
- Set a goal of one meaningful new connection each month
Coaching questions to ask yourself
- What opportunities am I missing because I stay within existing relationships?
- When did I last intentionally build a new connection?
- How might I make networking feel more authentic?
3. Loyalty Over Accountability
As a manager or leader, you may find yourself protecting relationships and avoiding challenging conversations. You will know if this is the case because you are:
- Avoiding difficult feedback
- Holding onto underperforming relationships for too long
Strategies:
- Separate the relationship from the behaviours
- Give yourself opportunities to practice and identify useful tools to have these conversations. The Kim Scott podcast based on the book Radical Candour is a great place to start.
- Always address issues early before situations get highly charged.
Coaching questions:
- What conversation am I avoiding?
- Are you being kind by being silent, or merely comfortable?
- What would honest support look like right now?
- What would courageous support look like?
4. Resistance to New Relationships
Change is a fact of life, and often it can disrupt trusted relationships. And this can cause stress for people with high Relator. How it shows up:
- You might be missing former teams or colleagues and feel isolated
- Take time or be resistant to establishing trust with new colleagues or stakeholders
- Hanker after the old, familiar ways of working
Strategies to support your shift back to the Jedi side
- Acknowledge the sense of loss that this feels like
- Get curious about new people early and prioritise building new relationships early
- Focus on what can be gained, not just lost
Coaching questions:
- What relationships are you reluctant to leave behind?
- What new connections could emerge from this change?
- How might your attachment to the past be limiting your growth?
Final Thought
Relator is one of the most frequent Top 5 strengths globally. It’s essence is at the core of every workplace, trust. Being aware of the ways it can drift to the dark side gives you opportunities to nurture your relationships with those who you know less well. The dark side is more about allowing trusted relationships to become barriers to new possibilities.
Ask yourself: Am I building connections that include people, or relationships that unintentionally exclude them?
